Wherefore art thou, Chuck Knoblauch?

How many Feds does it take to find Edward Charles Knoblauch?

Until recently, that was just a bad joke a Minnesotans told to pass the time while ice fishing. But now, federal marshals attempting to serve Knoblauch with a subpoena are making the question a matter of practicality.

This all started with the dispute over whether Roger Clemens used steroids and/or Human Growth Hormone. The House Oversight and Government Reform Committee decided to get to the bottom of it, and to do so, they figured they would talk to Chuck, who -- along with former teammates Clemens and Andy Pettite --was named in the Mitchell Report.

When Knoblauch failed to respond to the committee's "invitation" to testify, they decided to slap him with a subpoena.

Trouble is, they can't seem to find him.

Here's my question. If the New York Times could find Knoblauch less than two weeks ago at his Houston home (when interviewed, he said he hadn't heard anything from any Congressional committees) why haven't the Feds been able to track him down?

I just don't see Knoblauch as the type of guy to take his family into hiding under an assumed name at the Super 8. But I could be wrong. At any rate, if you bump into him at the indoor pool or over a cup of coffee at the Continental breakfast, tell him the Feds are looking for him.

Larry Brown on how NOT to find a new coaching job

Larry Brown says he wants to coach again, but he's not acting like it.

Brown gave an overly candid interview for the February issue of Philadelphia Magazine, criticizing the franchise for the way they treated him and even accusing the Knicks of planting "spies throughout the arena" during his brief tenure at the Garden.

(Larry, Larry, Larry. Didn't you know that the man behind those binoculars was just Isiah, scoping out the cheerleaders?)


In 11 coaching stops at the pro and college levels, Brown has a track record of both success and short stays. Brown's teams have won two championships and been runner-up four other times, and he is widely known for being a coach that can extract the maximum out of his teams. And perhaps that ability -- more specifically, how much he demands from his players -- is why he quickly overstays his welcome.

In New York, during the 2005-06 season, Brown once again rubbed people the wrong way. He publicly criticized Stephon Marbury (can you blame him, really?) and granted interviews to team beat writers along the side of the road (gotta have a PR team member handy, Ron; you know that). Except this time, even Brown couldn't work his magic, so the Knicks fired him after just one season.

We all know that the Knicks are a franchise in the state of free fall, and whomever you choose to blame for that, it shouldn't be Brown. His failure in New York was only a symptom of the problem.

But if he wants another coaching job -- and he says he does -- Brown needs to keep his mouth shut about his miserable experience with the Knicks. As it is, franchises are leery of leaving Brown alone with their players, and a healthy dose of former-employer bashing won't help his case any.

Brown says Knicks treated him poorly (AP, via espn.com)
Larry Brown (Wikipedia)

The fire still burns in Dungy's belly

Tony Dungy is such a quiet, classy guy, you almost assume he's not competitive.

Almost.

After weeks of speculation that Dungy would retire following this season, the Colts announced that the winningest coach in their history would return for one more season.

You could hardly blame Dungy if he did hang up the clipboard. He is a family man first and foremost, and being an NFL coach has to be one of the toughest gigs to juggle with going on a date with your wife or watching your son's high school football games.

And of course, Dungy has already won a Super Bowl, the Holy Grail for football players and coaches alike. After enduring years of fans and critics wondering if he could "get the job done," Dungy and Indianapolis did just that against the Bears last February.

But now, after a one and done in this year's playoffs, Dungy is back. Why?

Dungy is indeed a quiet, classy presence on the football field, but that doesn't preclude him from wanting to win, and wanting it badly. I would venture to say that Dungy is every bit as competitive as Bill Belichick, he just expresses it a different way.

Belichick glowers, snarls at the media, and infuriates opponents by running up the score; Dungy purses his lips and gears up for another season of going about his business.

I don't know if the Colts will fare any better next season, but I suspect if their key players can remain healthy, they will. But this I do know: like Brett Favre, after throwing the game-changing interception on Sunday, Tony Dungy is too competitive and loves this game too much to walk away just yet.

Memo to Dan Marino: No cell phones on set, please!

It was yet another day of disappointment for the growing legion of fans rooting against the Patriots, as New England remained undefeated by beating the Chargers in Foxborough.

It was a day of redemption for Giants' kicker Lawrence Tynes, who after shanking a potential game-winning field goal at the end of regulation, connected in overtime to give New York the upset victory at Lambeau.

But it was a day of head-scratching for fans watching the CBS Halftime show during the first game, when Dan Marino's cell phone rang not once, not twice, but three times.

It got me wondering...

• Who was calling Marino on a Sunday afternoon, anyway? It's not like this NFL analyst gig is a new thing. Perhaps it was one of the kids, asking if he could take the BMW for a spin, but you'd think Mom could answer that one without having to bug Dad in the middle of his TV show.
  
  
• If Dan the Man doesn't answer on your first try, could it be a sign that he's busy? Surely if he doesn't pick up the second time, he's either ignoring you or in the middle of something, so trying a third time is just going to bug him. In this case, on national television.
  
  
• Why did Marino have the cell phone with him in the first place? I'm guessing there are courtesy phones all over the place on the set, so if he needed to make a call or receive one, there would be ample opportunity on a break.
  
  
• Has he heard of silent mode?
  

A national columnist recounts an unpleasant encounter with Marino (Joe Posnanski)
Video of Marino losing his cool on the set a few years back (Fugly)