As if Chad Johnson Needs a Choreographer

Cincinnati Bengals' wide receiver Chad Johnson needs your help.

Well, actually, he probably doesn't.

But Yahoo! Fantasy Sports has created a competition allowing fans to submit their best end zone celebration videos. If yours is chosen as the Grand Prize winner, you get to fly to Cincinnati, meet Ocho Cinco, and show him your dance.

If he likes it, he may just bust it out in a game.

In case you're wondering, lots of good ideas have already been enacted by Johnson himself. Here's a partial list:

• Performing CPR on the football
• Proposing to a Bengals' cheerleader
• Putting the football with a pylon (pictured)
• Doing the River Dance
• Playing Santa and passing out autographed footballs.
  
  Credit to The Sports Pulse for the list.

Thanks to a stricter enforcement of NFL rules, Johnson had a relatively quiet 2006. But he announced in an interview with Jim Rome last week that he expects to be back in top celebrating form this season, and Johnson said to look for a funny one on opening night.

So grab a football and dust off those camcorders, football fans. Everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame, and this could be yours.

Roland Flores, You've Been Grounded

Two weeks ago, Angels fan Roland Flores chucked a half-empty water bottle at Mike Piazza, who was standing in the on-deck circle.

Bingo! It hit Piazza in the helmet.

I'm sure he didn't mean any harm by it, but that makes no difference to the Angels, who grounded Flores for three seasons. That's right, if Flores wants to cheer for his team, he'll have to drive up to Oakland or wait for an interleague matchup against the Dodgers.

Maybe it's just me, but that seems a little harsh. It's not like he threw a brick.

Chalk it up to "the world we live in," I guess.

What Would it Take to Part with the 756 Ball?

Everyone knows that record-breaking baseballs are worth something, and most fans will go to any lengths to get their hands on one.

Because, as Richard Sandmour wrote in a recent New York Times article, it's a "lottery-like prize coming at you." The only question, it would seem, is just how much the lottery prize is worth.

There are some interesting precedents on the subject, which Sandmour laid out. The biggest winner of all time would seem to be Phil Ozersky, who was lucky enough to retrieve and pocket $2.7 million for Mark McGwire's 70th home run ball, back at a time when Big Mac was still a hero.

Of course we all remember the bitter quarrel between Patrick Hayashi and Alex Popov, each of whom thought they could claim ownership to Barry Bonds' 73rd home run ball in 2001. In the end, the court ordered the pair to split the proceeds, which ended up totaling $450,000.

Half of that should just cover a year's worth of legal fees.

Going back a little further, Sal Durante collected $5,000 for Roger Maris's 61st home run ball, but that was in 1961. Five thousand dollars went a lot further, but people were also not yet fanatical about sports memorabilia.

Fast forward 46 years, and 21-year-old Matt Murphy is the one with the decision to make. A New York Mets fan who was in San Francisco on his way to Australia, Murphy found himself at the bottom of the pile in right-center field after Bonds' 756th.

Based upon his statements so far, it would seem that Murphy is going to auction off the baseball to the highest bidder, and he claims that he will be sharing 49% of the proceeds with a friend. Respectable, if you ask me.

Suppose for a minute, though, that it was you. You've got the ball in your possession, and offers for tickets, money, vacations, guest appearances on TV coming at you from every direction. What do you ask in return for the ball?

How much is enough?

How to Become a Starting Punter at NCU

All Mitch Cozad ever wanted was to be the starting punter at Northern Colorado University.

And who could blame him?

The Bears were on track to do big things (they ended the 2006 season 1-10, last in the Big Sky Conference), and Cozad wanted to be the guy that pinned the other team deep into their own territory. In short, he wanted to be the commanding officer in the battle for field position.

But Rafael Mendoza was simply better. He could kick it longer and with more hang-time more consistently. And that made Cozad furious.

Extra practice wasn't working, so Cozad stabbed him twice in the leg. Allegedly.

Cozad's trial recessed yesterday, and now the jury is deliberating. After a strong defense, which included a character witness by his aunt -- "He's like a teddy bear. He's not aggressive." -- the jury almost certainly will find reasonable doubt.

I mean, lots of kids at Northern Colorado would have had motive to stab the starting punter in the leg, right? Maybe it was someone from UC Davis or Portland State, formidable foes on the NCU schedule who thought they'd have a better shot if Mendoza wasn't punting.

I'm sure that Cozad wants this all to be over as soon as possible, so he can unburden himself of a terribly nagging question: "Hey Coach, does this mean I'm starting now?"

Driving us Batty: Wood vs. Metal

The baseball experience owes a lot to the sounds of the game.

There's the pop of the catcher's mitt on a 98-mph heater, the crowd's roar when the shortstop makes a diving grab on a liner up the middle, and the clash of cleats and dirt when a base runner slides in for a close play at third.

And, of course, there's the ping of the bat when the batter swings for the fences and hits a dribbler to the pitcher's mound.

Laugh if you'd like, but in all non-professional levels of baseball, it's true. From Little League to the College World Series in Omaha, metal bats have been used for decades to mixed reviews.

But the "purity of the game" aside, many folks are reconsidering the use of metal bats for safety reasons. Skip Rozin of the Wall Street Journal tackles the subject in a recent piece called "Killer Bats?"

As anyone who's ever watched a baseball game knows, the sport can become dangerous when a batted ball is in play. And as we all know from the recent death of Tulsa Drillers' first base coach Mike Coolbaugh, metal bats aren't the cause of the danger.

But do they contribute?

Probably, but I think the safety levels before and after any legal changes would be negligible. The reason that this sort of legislation gets pushed through is because of the horrific experiences of parents who have lost their children to a freak accident.

And just like parents of children who have been kidnapped, these parents assume the duty of lobbyists, insisting that it could happen to your child, too. And that's how we get those kidnapping laws with the kid's name in it (e.g., Jenny's Law).

But has anyone noticed that there are still plenty of kidnappings?

Likewise, if you take the metal bats away from baseball, kids and young adults will still sustain serious injuries and even death due to batted balls, simply because the nature of such events is so unforeseen. It's about being in the exactly wrong place at exactly the wrong time.

Someday, I hope to have children that grow up wanting to play baseball. I will encourage it, because baseball is the greatest game there is. I will also warn the kids of the dangers of the sport, which include, but are not limited to the hitting instrument known as a bat.

If wooden bats are mandated by then, I'll gladly head down to the sporting goods store and help them pick out a Louisville Slugger. Wood bats give you a better feel when you hit the sweet spot, anyway.

Times are changing, though, and I just hope that by then we aren't reduced to Styrofoam.

What a Weekend: Sorting through the Milestones

No new records, but three major landmarks.

Alex Rodriguez finally hit career home run #500, Barry Bonds answered with #755, and Tom Glavine earned his 300th career win.

Perhaps more importantly, there were no arrests, indictments, or even accusations to speak of in the sports world. And while Bonds' 755th was not without its asterisks and questions marks, it brought us all one step closer to both history and relief.

All in all, a very good weekend for sports fans.

Rodriguez's 500th started it all off Saturday afternoon. At 32, A-Rod became the youngest player in Major League History to reach the milestone.

A lot of people are ready to anoint Rodriguez as the man to surpass Bonds and save baseball, but I'm not so sure. And no, I'm not talking about the supposed "stuff" that Jose Canseco has on Rodriguez in his newest book.

Players fade at different times in their careers, and given the stress that Rodriguez has endured in the last four seasons alone, I wouldn't be surprised to see him decline sooner rather than later. If you give him an average of 40 homers a year, it would take him five years (age 37) to reach 200 and six-plus to tie and surpass Bonds.

A good possibility, but no slam dunk.

Bonds was not to be outdone, and proved that with his 755th. Watching Bud Selig watch was probably the best part; he looked dazed and unhappy, to put it mildly.

The public perception of Barry Bonds has been well-documented, even by me. But all of our reservations aside, Bonds' looming milestone has become an inevitability. It's time for sports fans to deal with it. And saying that Bonds can have the record for a few years before A-Rod takes over doesn't count.

Bonds is a first-rate jerk, but he's also a terrific baseball player. He's the best of the steroid era, a movement that we home run-loving sports fans helped to fuel. So boo, hiss, and shake your head all you'd like, but you helped create the monster that is Barry Bonds.

Me, I'd prefer to sit back and witness history -- marred though it may be -- for what it is.

Glavine solidified his place in the Hall of Fame with his 300th. With this major milestone under his belt and 41 years in the rearview mirror, I wouldn't be shocked to see Glavine call it quits after this season. In case you're wondering though, he does have a one-year player option remaining on his contract.

Perhaps the only disappointment about the achievement is that it was accomplished in a Mets uniform. Glavine has been good in New York, but he was great in Atlanta.