Clemens Rescues Yankees with Mediocre Start; Saving World from Asteroid Next on Agenda

Roger Clemens single-handedly righted the wayward ship that is the Yankees Saturday afternoon, tossing six mediocre innings against one of the worst teams in the Major Leagues.

"I feel really good about coming out on top in this pitcher's duel," said Clemens, obviously unaware that his opponent is now second in the Majors in losses. "I would call us the favorite to win the World Series this year."

Clemens was unfazed when informed that New York is 10 games out of first in the AL East and five back in the Wild Card.

Instead, he wanted to "use this opportunity to tell the world about my next mission, which is to save the world from that gynormous rock that's coming at the world real fast."

The Yankees pitcher was, of course, referring to the asteroid called VV2 that is believed to be on a collision course with earth for the year 2029.

"I read about it on Digg," Clemens explained. "I mean, there were over 1,400 Diggs on this one article alone, so it must be a big deal."

"I'm really good at saving things, and baseball teams, planets -- what's the difference? Besides, this is my opportunity to give back."

Federer to Square off with Nadal, History

The matchup the tennis world has waited for is finally here, and I'll be getting up at 6:00 a.m. Sunday to wtiness it.

Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal are set to square off in the finals of the French Open, the only Grand Slam tournament Federer has never won.

Federer has made a career out of making other players look bad, and it wasn't until Nadal arrived on the scene that Federer even looked human.

Nadal is a phenomenal athlete and a gutsy competitor, and he seems to be the only person in the world with the recipe for how to beat Roger Federer.

Federer has established himself, without a doubt, as one of the greatest of all time. He can make a case for his career as the greatest Sunday.

I will be rooting for the serene Swiss to complete the career Grand Slam tomorrow, but I'm afraid the edge in this matchup on this surface belongs to Nadal.

Expect Growing Pains in LeBron's First Finals

After a month and a half of playoff action, the NBA Finals are finally here.

While the San Antonio Spurs look to cement their place in history as the team of the decade, LeBron James hopes to add to the lore surrounding his young career.

I'll be surprised if Cleveland wins a game in the series.

The Spurs have been here before and they are deeper and more balanced than the LeBron-centric Cavaliers. Plus, they have the Floppin' Foreigner (Manu Ginobili) and Cheap Shot Bob (Horry) to fall back on if things get tight.

The Cavs, meanwhile, have LeBron.

James has never been to the NBA Finals, nor have most (any?) of his teammates. But that won't stop them from expecting King James to act as their tour guide.

You know that feeling when you visit a new city and you want to see all the sights at once? And then when it's time to leave, you haven't done much of anything.

That's going to be LeBron in the Finals.

LeBron will likely try to do too much, and he'll be frustrated when he's shut down by the Spurs ironclad defense. But the experience will be invaluable, and LeBron will be better off for it.

This year's NBA Finals won't likely add to the legend that is LeBron James, but it won't detract from it either. Don't worry, Cleveland; look at the next week and a half as a foundation for what's to come.

Donovan, Magic Annul Brief "Marriage"

After just four days together, Billy Donovan and the Orlando Magic are calling it quits.

I can't say that I'm shocked, given Donovan's fantastic success at Florida and a noteworthy track record of college coaches floundering in the transition to the NBA.

What alarms me, and should scare the crap out of Billy Donovan, is that the Florida coach has followed in the footsteps of Britney Spears.

Didn't think she'd get a mention on this sports blog? Me neither.

Remember when Britney married a childhood friend in Las Vegas in 2004? Remember when she annulled it two days later?

Is any of this sounding familiar?

At the time, everyone thought Spears was out of her mind to marry her friend on a whim, and there seemed to a collective sigh of relief (coupled with a roll of the eyes) when she announced the annulment.

But after a disastrous marriage to Kevin Federline -- and at this point, a disastrous life in general -- who can say that it wouldn't have been a good choice to have stuck with that first (albeit impetuous) marriage?

If you're sensing some tongue-in-cheekiness here, you're very astute. But in all seriousness, I think Billy Donovan might have fared just fine in Orlando. With the tools he has to work with (Dwight Howard, Jameer Nelson, and possibly a big offseason free agent signing), Donovan might have even taken the Magic to the Finals.

Donovan is convinced that he made a mistake in agreeing to coach Orlando in the first place, and he may very well be right. But like Britney, Donovan may have walked away from a positively life-changing opportunity.

In both cases, we'll never know.